There are times in my life when I feel like I have climbed up to the top of a ridge only to have someone at the top kick my legs out from under me causing me to fall all the way to the bottom. I get scraped up and on occasion break a bone, but my bruised pride tends to hurt the most. Despite it all I get up, dust myself off, and begin my ascent once again. However, this past year has felt like I have climbed to the top of the ridge so many times that I am getting exhausted and feel like I want to stay at the bottom.
I realize that this has been truly a test in endurance. I was laid off from one job at the beginning of last year, fired from a job with no reason given at the end of the year, and both my kids moved out of the house. I have had five jobs in the last year and a half and too many interviews to count. I have gotten my hopes up each and every time and yet been told,” Sorry we gave the job to someone else.”
I understand that there are worse things that can happen to people and I have experienced my fair share, but I am tired. Even as I write these words, I feel like I am having a pity party. Yet, at the bottom of the mountain, with a bruised ego, I have to question what this is all about. My gut instinct no longer works. I can’t rely on that and that is the thing I have relied on my entire life. My instinct has provided me with information that have gotten me out of bad situations and also let me know when something good was going to happen. Without it, I am lost. I haven’t felt settled in so long, I feel like I am halfway to a nervous breakdown. And yet, I keep moving forward even when it feels like I am walking in circles.
I force myself to stop and look at the world, moving slowly all around me. I watch a bird fly near me and take a deep breath. I have faith and even when it falters I still stand strong. Even when I scrape my knee and trip over a boulder I lay on the ground and search for God. I look up to the sky and watch the clouds drift past me and smile. The one thing I can always count on is that this too shall pass.
In this time, I have learned that patience is my biggest weakness. I have no patience and I have had to learn to be patient this past year and a half. Wow! I didn’t know how difficult it would be to learn to wait for something. I am the type of person who will look at the end of the book to see the ending so I don’t have to be in suspense. I am the type of person who will fast forward a movie to see the end and then rewind and watch the rest. I don’t like suspense. I don’t like the unknown but I have had to learn to be patient and not know. I have no intuition anymore and at times I want to scream at the top of my lungs and kick the dirt and fall to my knees and pound on the ground. But there is no use in that even if it will feel good at the time.
I know that I have to keep moving forward even when I feel like I am spinning in circles. I know I am moving forward because with each disappointment I feel less pain in my ego and more strength in my step. I know I can climb up to the ridge a hundred more times or more and I will continue to wipe the dirt off and keep climbing no matter what life brings me.
I know myself well enough that I will never give up. I will keep attempting to climb up to the ridge. When I finally reach the top I will enjoy the view. I will walk along until I encounter the summit and then when I am finally at the end of my journey I will sit and rest with a great big smile on my face.