Hard Decision by A. Klesath

We climb mountains in our lives and when we reach the summit we may level off or we may go down the mountain. Going down the mountain relives the past and we can choose to take a path similar to the one we were on or try a different path.  We choose one more treacherous or one more clear. In the end, there are obstacles that we have to climb over and some of these make us fall and scrape our knees or break us. We may rest for awhile and cry. We may lay down and laugh until we cry; but we do rest on occasion.

However, life doesn’t allow us much time to stay in one place; so we have to keep moving. Some of us may meander around the mountain over and over before we get to the top but the top is the place we are supposed to be. At each summit there is another summit we have to climb and so we  must decide which path to take. In life the most difficult decisions are sometimes the right ones.

In my life my mountains are emotional roller coasters. I can feel immense happiness or tremendous sadness. I suppose if I were to see a professional they would say I have bipolar and give me some medications. This will not happen. I love to feel life in all its rugged insanity. I get confused at times because my feelings are also based on other people and my environment. We are emotional creatures and there are times where I wish I had no emotions. I know that when I am at my weakest point and my sadness starts to have physical pain I make the most mistakes. I cling to those around me to stop the pain inside of me. The physical pain is something I beg to escape from and yet I have to keep telling myself that it will go away and the happiness I felt before will come.

Life is difficult and in a world where mental illness is something that brings shame we live in a silent world afraid someone might see our flaws and reject us. Well I am here to say that I am crazy and imperfect and not afraid to shout it to the mountain top. I have a mental disorder that can manifest itself in ways that make people not want to be near me. But to hell with it. I am human living in an insane world where we are supposed to pretend we are invincible to pain and suffering. We are to put a smile on our face and keep moving forward. However, there are days where it takes all I have to get up and get dressed in the morning.

I am strong. I am a warrior. I will survive the ups and downs in life. So bring it on world. However, there are times when I can’t breath and the thoughts in my mind will not stop. I worry incessantly to the point that the loved ones in my life want to run. That hurts most of all and I have to find a way to look at myself, pick myself up and say it is all going to be okay. My faith helps, I pray and I pray and sometimes I get peace.

In moments of darkness the pain can be so great I curl up in a ball and wait for peace. Time heals all they say but when you are in the pit of despair it seems like there is no end. So I say to all of those who suffer, hold on tight, and pray for peace. Wake up in the morning and breath in and out saying that this too shall pass. Practice mindfulness and focus on a butterfly or a sunset while breathing in and out slowly. Because in the end all we have is right now and in the moments where there is beauty savor them as if they will never go away.

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