I am okay with who I am. I mean, I have to be, don’t I? I spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with myself and I can’t really get away from me. Really, if I am uncomfortable with myself or offended then where the hell do I go? I am crazy, weird, wild, quiet, loud, passionate, and intense. I can get so excited about something to the point of driving people crazy. I fall down sometimes. I curse a lot. I laugh when it is inappropriate at times. When I am nervous my cheek twitches forcing me to smile at the most in opportune times.
I have hated my body since I was the first one at 11 years old to be 100 pounds. All my so called friends laughed and called me fat. I wasn’t, but I believed the lie. I believed it until I was 26 and started to look at pictures of me and saw that my cheeks were sunken in and my legs were skin and bones. I am 43 and still am trying to tell myself I am beautiful regardless of whether I have cellulite and scars.
Sadly, our culture creates this image of beauty that is completely unrealistic. Many of us tell ourselves that we should look like those images in magazines even though they have been altered with computer software.
So, I am okay with me. I am okay if I can’t make everyone around me happy. I am fine with having only a few true friends. I am slowly starting to accept my imperfections. Every scar, blemish, cellulite, broken bone, and scar gives me character and stories to tell. And quite frankly, a bit of humility isn’t a bad thing.
Finding a way to love myself, in spite of my self, is such an interesting journey. I had to first let go of the ego. That sly voice that tells me who I am and what I can do. The voice inside my head that tells me when to shut up and when to speak. Sometimes it fails to stop me when I speak and then berates me for hours on end.
My ego and I have been battling for years and I can finally say that the bastard ego is a trickster and a liar. Like the coyote in the stories, the ego likes to build us up and then tear us down. Unfortunately, it would be easier to cut off an arm or a leg than to get rid of the ego.
Sadly, ego death, however grand it sounds cannot happen. I realize this as I stand here with my sword at my side, breathing heavy from yet another battle. I can see that little trickster laying on the grass laughing hysterically.
So, I am okay with me. I am okay if some people don’t like me. I have relinquished my belief that people have to like me so I will like myself. I like myself. I love myself.
I am finally able to sit in a room by myself and be still and calm. I can entertain myself like I did as a child happily content to be in a room all by myself. I want to go back to that belief I had as a child because I didn’t care what I looked like and I believed in love unconditional. I finally can embrace who I am in all my flaws and idiosyncrasies. I am okay with who I am. I just have to remind myself every once in a while; least I forget.