The day you were born was one of the happiest and scariest days of my life. This sweet baby they laid on my chest screaming from the horror of being pulled out of a nice warm dark place and being put in a cold bright place. Oh, how you screamed at the top of your lungs fist clenched and red as a rose.
I was terrified to hurt you. I was terrified to be a mom. I did not want any harm to come to you and I did not want to hurt you in any way. However, you were super sensitive. You would scream when your clothes were removed, you would scream if a noise woke you. I did not know what to do that wouldn’t make you cry. Smoke, our dog and I would try to make sure you were safe. She would hear you move in your crib and come running to me, pacing back and forth, wanting me to get you out of the crib. She wanted to help. She wanted to snuggle close to you and make you warm and feel safe. She had an instinct of a nurturing mother that I did not have.
I have never been the sweet doting mother other moms can be. I grew up learning how to keep a thick skin around me so noone could hurt me. I learned to keep people at arm length, but you taught me how to allow people into my heart. I learned what it meant to love with all my heart.
I learned through time what you wanted and what would make you cry. I knew when your tummy hurt and I would rub it and push your knees up to your chest. Later, I learned that certain foods made your tummy hurt so I would try to make sure you wouldn’t eat them. I tried to keep sugar away from you. I tried to make sure things were safe in the home.
In the mornings you wanted to be held for a certain amount of time so you could slowly wake up. I would hold you in my arms for a long time rocking back and forth until you would finally look up at me with a smile and be ready to take on the world.
I loved the day you asked me to teach you to read. I tried to teach you your letters but you insisted there was a quicker way. And sure enough you would tell me to point at the words as I read them. By the time you were four you were able to read better than I could it seemed. You would correct me when I skipped a word or put in a word that didn’t belong. I realized then that you had an idea of how the world should be and were confident enough to let the rest of us know how that would be.
When you were a newborn you hated your clothes to be taken off. However, when you were two years old you realized that being naked was far more fun. Every morning I would get you dressed and every morning you would free yourself from the burdens of clothing and run around screaming with happiness. It was then I realized that you are an individual not to be burdened with the confines of proper etiquette.
I am thankful everyday that you are in my life. I have become a better person because of you and I thank you. You are a special and amazing person with a deep understanding of what you want from this world and what you are willing to give.